


Landry to Burnham

by fiendlikequeen



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fluff and Crack, rated teen for language and an off-screen corpse, this isn't a serious work okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 02:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13672587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiendlikequeen/pseuds/fiendlikequeen
Summary: Ellen Landry really, really hates Michael Burnham. At least, that's what she tells herself. Too bad the two women need each other.Dialogue only, crackfic. AU - Canon Divergence. During Michael's stay, Mirror!Landry and Prime!Burnham get up to shenanigans, which may or may not involve a Jefferies tube, a transporter, and a dead emperor.





	Landry to Burnham

**Author's Note:**

> Let's pretend that Michael spent some extra time in the mirror universe. Divergence from canon being that while she exchanged her freedom for the Discovery's safe passage, she never banded together with Mirror!Georgiou to kill Lorca - ipso facto, we get Emperor Lorca. Somehow the Discovery made it back to her own universe. Don't ask me how. Interphasic space or something. Do I look like a theoretical physicist to you? Well, I'm not.

 "Landry to Burnham. Burnham, come in."

"Burnham here."

"Oh, God. I was seriously hoping you wouldn't answer and that maybe I could come up to your quarters with an armed guard to see if there was something wrong, and then tragically, accidentally,  _brutally_ shoot you, believing you to be an intruder."

"You have a very active imagination. I hate to disappoint it. Is there something you need, Landry?"

" _Me_ , need something from  _you?_ You wish. The only thing I'd ever want from you is to take a six foot isolinear rod and shove it right up your-"

"There must be a point to all of this."

"The emperor wants you in the throne room."

"Acknowledged. Burnham out."

 

\--------

 

"Burnham to Landry."

"Landry here. Unfortunately. What do you want?"

"You seem determined to be insubordinate."

"This isn't your precious Federation, Burnham. I'd have killed you already if it wouldn't mean I'd spend the rest of my life in an agonizer. I know you're nothing but contemptuous of our emperor, but I hope you realize that he's the only reason I haven't had you skinned and made into a rug."

"If you're finished making empty threats, I wanted to ask you about the status of the most recent geological surveys of Qo'noS."

"Fucking scientists. You'll get your survey by 21:00. Landry out."

 

*****

"Landry to Burnham. Burnham, come in." 

"Burnham here."

"Oh, hello, Burnham. I was starting to think that maybe you'd had a terrible accident. Tripped and fallen right onto the emperor's sword or something. That would be such a  _shame._ Then again, I think hopping right onto the emperor's sword is something you're actually-"

"What is this about, Landry?"

"Oh dear, Burnham. Is that irritation I heard in your voice? That's one of those emotions that you hate, isn't it? What happened to your filthy Vulcan ideals of repressing your emotions?"

"Is there something you'd like to discuss with me?"

"There is absolutely nothing I'd like to discuss with you, let's get that straight. It's the emperor who wants to speak to you."

"Lorca knows where to find me."

"Listen, I don't question his orders when he gives them. He wants to speak to you. You're to come to his quarters immediately. I don't give a fuck about the rest."

"Based on your tone, I think you do 'give a fuck.'"

"I swear to God, Burnham, I'll kill you myself."

"I sincerely doubt you'd risk angering the emperor like that. Tell Lorca I will be there shortly, if that is his...command. Burnham out."

"Goddamn bitch."

 

*****

 

"Burnham to Lorca."

"Come in."

"You're not Lorca."

"No shit. Burnham is here, your majesty!"

"Then what the fuck are  _you_ still doing here, Landry?"

"Of course, sir. Good night, sir. Go fuck yourself, Burnham."

"Live long and prosper, Landry."

 

*****

 

"Burnham to Landry."

"Landry here."

"You're needed in the emperor's apartments."

"It's 03:00, Burnham."

"This is an order. An urgent one."

"Fine. Landry out."

 

*****

 

"So, you killed him."

"Yes."

"Shit, did you  _snap_ his  _neck?_ Fuck, Burnham."

"We had an agreement, which he violated. I acted in self defense."

"Wow, what did he do to finally get a rise out of you? I've been trying for months."

"He put his hand on my thigh."

"And you snapped his neck like a twig?"

"My  _upper_ thigh."

"As much as it pains me to say this, Burnham, I'm impressed. I never thought you had it in you. You'll make a good Terran yet."

"I have no intention of being a good Terran."

"Well, that's too bad, because you did just murder our emperor, which makes you the clear successor to his throne."

"I'm aware."

"Of course you are. So, why did you call me here? I'm obligated to kill you for this."

"I doubt you'd be able to."

"Don't test me. You just killed my emperor."

"Don't pretend you had any real loyalty to him."

"I did, actually. I was even in love with him for a while. Worthless bastard wasn't worth it, you know."

"That I believe."

"So why am I here, Burnham? Are you going to kill me, too?"

"No. I was hoping to strike a deal with you."

"Oh?"

"You're no worse than any other Terran I've met. In fact, you're likely less cruel than Lorca, or Georgiou before him."

"Are you trying to insult me?"

"No. I'm trying to offer you the throne."

"...what?"

"You want to be emperor. I want to go home. I'll make you emperor if you'll get me back to my universe."

"I'm listening."

 

*****

 

"Burham to Landry. Burnham to Landry. Landry, come in."

"Landry here. What do you want?"

"I expected that you'd have returned by now."

"Listen, I've moved a lot of corpses in my day, but this has got to be the worst. This fucker is heavier than he looks. Hang on, I've almost got him, let me just - oh fuck, no you don't - shitfuckgoddamn!"

"Do you require assistance?"

"No!"

"Then what was that noise?"

"You ever dragged a dead emperor through a Jefferies tube before, Burnham?"

"Can't say I have."

"Then shut up and let me work."

"Tell me when it's done."

"Landry out."

 

 

*****

 

"Landry to Burham."

"Burnham here."

"It's done."

"You disposed of the body?"

"Dropped him right onto the throne and then blew his fucking head off."

"You weren't supposed to disfigure the body, just make it look like you killed him in a way that would justify your ascension to the throne."

"Oh, relax. Dr. Culber will still be able to identify him by DNA. Besides, I had to cover up your handiwork. No one would believe that I'd killed him using Vulcan martial arts. They _would_ believe that I put a phaser in his mouth and vaporized his head from the inside out."

"You have a flair for the dramatic, Landry."

"That doesn't mean much, coming from you."

"I see your point. Return to the emperor's quarters at once."

"That's the last order you give me, Burnham. Landry out."

 

*****

 

"Burnham."

"Emperor Landry."

"Ready to transport?"

"I am, your majesty."

"You know, it's still satisfying to hear you say that. Why don't you say it again?"

"If that's your wish, majesty."

"Ah. That really hasn't gotten old. What are the rest of you doing here? Fuck off and let me beam this scum off my ship in peace."

"Yes, emperor."

"....I'm ready to transport, Landry."

"Shh. Let me enjoy this moment. It's going to be the last time I ever have to see you. I want to remember it perfectly."

"Well, I suppose that's - mmph."

"Surprised you, didn't I?"

"I'll admit that you did. I didn't expect you to kiss me."

"Huh. So I  _finally_ got a rise out of you."

"I guess you did. I wish you all the best in your rule, your majesty. I believe the Terran empire will be a slightly less brutal authority under your rule."

"I'm choosing to take that as a compliment."

"You should. It was meant as one."

"...are you sure you want to go? Not that I want you around or anything. Just because the modifications we've made to this transporter might not actually work, and your atoms could end up scattered over half a quadrant. Which would be a shame, because I'd like you to die so much more painfully."

"It's where I belong."

"Guess you're right. Well, goodbye, Michael Burnham. Get into a little bit of trouble, will you?"

"Live long and prosper, Ellen Landry."

 

 

*****

 

"Michael!"

"Hello, Tilly."

"But you - you - aren't you - how did you get here? Did you just transport across universes? How is that possible? What - what's going on?"

"Breathe, Tilly."

"Oh, wow. Okay. Am I hallucinating?"

"No."

"Then how are you-"

"I had a little help from an old friend. You'll hear all about it when I make my report to Saru."

"Guess I will."


End file.
